St. Patrick's Day

In the morning, actually afternoon, I got up around noon after CP called to wake me up. I was planning to meet her today in the Roppongi area and have some drinks with her and a few other female teachers at my school. It was in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. Even though St. Patrick’s Day was on Friday, we would celebrate it today.

I ended up getting ready, but watching a bit of the World Baseball Classic with Japan and South Korea. The South Koreans looked pretty impressive for the first few innings and I wonder how it will end. In the 7th inning though, the game turned totally towards Japan’s favor and them winning 6-0. I think it is crazy how that happened and how they ended up in the finals. I mean South Korea was the only undefeated team beating Japan twice in the qualifying rounds and beating Mexico and the U.S. too. But I guess the third time was the charm for Japan. I’m happy for them since I’m living here now; I generally support their national teams. I hope they win it, and it’s crazy to think that they are playing in San Diego too.

I had lunch today with APca at Saizeria today. I actually had a lot to eat today too. I ordered a cabbage and shrimp spaghetti with cream sauce and a vegetable set with minestrone soup. It was a lot and really filled me up. He got regular spaghetti with garlic bread. It was a nice meal to have at the beginning of the day. It was good to get things started that way. We were watching the baseball game and then talked a bit more at breakfast. He has been really tired because of all the traveling he has done.

After that, it started to rain and rain pretty hard too. We came back and got our stuff and I took him to Totsuka station and then to Yokohama station. Then we parted ways. I jumped on the Toyoko line heading towards Naka Meguro because I really didn’t know where I would meet up with CP today. I called her when I reached Naka Meguro station and found out that we were going to meet in Roppongi. That isn’t too much further so I went over there. When I arrived and got to street level, the wind was blowing really really hard. Things were being knocked over and everything. We found a spot at Starbucks to sit and have some coffee, which is probably one of the reasons why I’m still awake now at 4am typing this. I got a Caramel Frapaccino, even though it was cold outside. We were waiting for the two other members of our group to arrive. They were coming from work, which is weird since we all work at the same place.

They were a bit late to arrive, but we know how busy it can be at school. They went straight to Paddy Foleys, so we went there to meet up with them. It seemed pretty empty when we arrived, well not as packed as I expected for a St. Patrick’s Day party. We didn’t have a place to sit or anything so we went down the street a little to Hobgoblins, which is a British pub. We had dinner here. I got Nachos, which were ok. Nothing compared to the nachos we have in San Diego though, but you know, this is Japan and at a British Pub, and that’s not too bad. It was enough to make me really full though. I was stuffed. I found out some interesting information from them though.

They were trying to be sly about it, but I have found that most Japanese people aren’t really too keen on being so sly. The Japanese co-workers were probing to see if CP would stay for another year and what her role would be next year. It sounds like, she still hasn’t decided yet, but she will most likely stay another year. I have mixed feelings about that depending on how things turn out. She got a raise and I think her classes might be reduced a little. She still has many offers from other schools, but has turned most of them down even though she has a better title and higher salary and such. But the problem I think that she has with them is that she would be more of a full-time teacher and not so much a part-time teacher. That meant that she could only work at one school. I think that the schools are getting really competitive with their teachers and not allowing them to share trade-secrets and things like that. Both ways, I still have mixed feelings, and I think it’s because I get left out in the cold either way. I really have no bargaining tool to ask for a raise since I will only be working for three more months. I’m tired of some things though and if those don’t change then I might make a faster departure than I want.

That has been kind of the feeling that I have had in Japan. I feel great that I’m living in a new country and experiencing many things, but I also have this feeling of defeat. I hate it, and I really hate it. There is nothing I hate more than failure, and that is exactly how I have felt in Japan as of late. Everything is beating down on me and I feel like I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t see the value in trying. I don’t really feel appreciated by anyone. I don’t feel as if I’m making an impact. I haven’t reached any of the goals I set before I came here. I feel alone in a place where I’m surrounded by millions of people, literally.

The only few things that I have taken from living in Japan is the opportunity to travel and see the world. But even that lately seems to be a problem. I mean I should be in Hong Kong right now, but because of other circumstances I couldn’t get it done. And that in itself pisses me off. So I am sitting here at 4:30am, typing this and getting my frustration out. I’m very good at making plans and putting them into place, but the problem I see, is why should I bother. I don’t feel as if it would benefit anyone anymore, not even me.

I did get an email from a friend the other day that was encouraging, which I’m happy to say. My MSN screen name right now is “I don’t care about anything,” which is the first line for the song Keep Tryin’ from Utada Hikaru. It’s my favorite song at the moment. But when my friend, NAla saw it, she sent me a message saying that Bryan wouldn’t say something like that. “If there is no wind, than row;” and I really liked that message. I like the idea of continuing to make a difference, but I just don’t see why I should. I read another thing on one of my friends, or probably ex-friend on Myspace that was on priorities. And I think that I get a failing grade on that one too. I have been majoring on minor things and that is probably the cause of why I’m still awake in frustration right now. I need to think more clearly. These things have been on my mind for the past week.

I was also thinking about the issue of getting myself a girlfriend. Now since I’m leaving in 3-4 months, it would be a bad thing for me to start a relationship and I know it. But for some reason, I have started not to care about that. I feel like a bit of a loser because I haven’t even tried. All my friends around me have someone in their lives, and I mean some are getting married and having kids already. I need to pick up the ball and at least give it a shot. I’m not sure if I wrote this down or not and it is becoming a really long entry. But I met one of my friend’s girlfriends online. I met her through a Japanese community group similar to Myspace and started to talk to her. I found out later that it was my friend’s girlfriend. Small world eh? And come to think about it, I was surprised that they didn’t tell me earlier about the relationship. Punk ass!! His Japanese is pretty good from what I can read. It’s impressive, which makes me feel like shit since I’m fucking LIVING in Japan and can’t do it. So yeah, I just feel a tad bit on the pathetic side. I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore.

Anyways, back to the story of my day. So at Hobgoblin, we were talking about work and how the trip to the USA was, what will happen next year for the English Department. I heard that one of the older, actually oldest teacher in the department will work with the Oral communication classes, which really makes me feel shittier. Is that a word? Well, you get the picture. Hopefully, if I’m lucky, I won’t have to work with another teacher and could teach my own class. But I’m only dreaming because I’m not lucky at all. During this time, most of it has been a one way conversation, which is pretty usual.

We went back to Paddy Foleys after dinner and around 8pm. It was busier and there was a live guitarist on hand playing some tunes. At first, he needed some work, but he picked it up and was actually pretty good. He was a one man show and playing a lot of requests. Many of them were for U2, which makes a lot of sense since they are the most famous Irish people in the world. I had a tonic and gin to piss the night away. We just sat and didn’t really talk much, just listened to the guy play. When it got later in the evening, and the alcohol was affecting people, they started dancing. It was interesting to see how people act drunk. At this point, the feeling was weird. When we were about to leave around 10pm, bagpipers came into the pub and started playing. They were all Japanese people though playing the bagpipes and one guy was dressed in a kilt and with a green Mohawk. It was pretty interesting so we stayed for a little bit longer to listen to them. The volume was a bit high for my ears so after we left, I couldn’t hear too much. We sat there for like an hour listening to them. I got some pictures with the guy in the kilt and Mohawk so I could show you. It was interesting to see how people interacted with each other. I sort of felt uncomfortable being around so many non-Japanese people. That was a weird feeling in itself too.

We left around 11pm, and when I entered the gate at Roppongi station, lo and behold, I ran into a former student of mine. I didn’t drink that much, so I wasn’t all red in the face or anything, but it was probably the time and place that just made it feel a bit weird. I think she was probably going to stay the whole night there since she was just arriving. I remembered her face, but it felt weird when she called me sensei in front of her friend that she was with. It was an awkward feeling to say the least. I would have liked to stay and talk a bit more, but it was late and I probably wouldn’t have had a train to get back home and I think it would have just been weird too. She had graduated two years ago, which surprised me how I recognized her right away. She recognized me too. Yeah…interesting.

I was sending a lot of emails from my cell on the ride home. One of my friends asked me to go on a “ohanami,” which is a party to watch the cherry blossoms this month. Actually it would be next week, but I had planned to go to Hong Kong, so I declined. I invited her to come with me, but I knew that it wouldn’t be possible. Anyways, that was my long, weird day. I’m surprised you made it this far reading about it. It was a long, cold, weird day for me and I wanted to put it in detail so I remember this feeling. I have pictures that I’ll post up soon too. I think you’d think it was interesting at the pub.